actually.. i am afraid feeling lonely.. and surrounded by problem..
because when i feel lonely or being alone..
i'm afraid that i'll think everything that had happened in the past...
my sad story of life.. my disenchantment in the past.. problem... mistake.. failure.. fault..
all mixed up.. and i'll cry on my pillow until i fall asleep and woke up in the morning with eye bag.. because i can't stop thinking all the stuff..
i hate that.. although i push it away, they still walking on my mind..
maybe others see me as a friendly and talkative person yet matured..
but its just the outer expression n characteristic of me..
i am too sensitive especially when it involve feels and heart..
i couldn't stand any disappointment anymore.. i can't.. its too hard to handle..
i'm not the tough person in the past..
my wall of defense had broken down already..
after being hacked and push by all the waves that came..
and its hard to build it again..
my emotion is too easy to be scratched..
and all the scratches still not fully heal..
people said.. time can heal all of them..
but, for me.. its hard..
my feeling is too sensitive to be touched..
does it important??.. not just for the special one.. but also for family and others..
i miss my mum's love.. feeling really wanna be in her hug.. because i never hug her although i'm 19 now.. really wanna kiss her in her cheek.. because i never kiss her cheek.. not even once..
ahhhh... now i am crying again..
i do.. i want.. i really wanna be threaten by her the same way other mother threat their daughter.. not likely but little bit just enough..
i love her.. but i never tell her.. maybe because of the past story..
i love u mom.. and i know, and i thanked u much, because because of u, now i am a 'maybe' tough yet matured girl.. know what is life is in my own context of life and think..
i miss my dad's love.. miss the way he threat me while i'm in a fever..
especially when i am sick and he is not around..
who'll spoon me the food??
who'll support me when i wanna go to bathroom??
who'll put the small towel on my head??
who'll ask whether i am okay or not??
who'll buy me medicine??
miss the way he advice me when i am in a depression..
he had taught me much on how to be matured.. how to handle life.. how to be an example to my siblings..
some might say i am a cold person beside being talkative.. hmm.. i admit that..
it's myself.. i dont know how to show my love to people i love..
and i am afraid to be too close with anyone because i am afraid i'll give burden or prob to them, make them uncomfortable.. that's why its hard for me to have a close friends..
maybe, I THINK TOO MUCH... isn't it??
|its always come although i push it away.... just go away...|